Chinese Underage Gymnasts Insult World's Intelligence; World Afraid to Act

August 14, 2008, by Reckless Bastard

Usually, sports age scandals revolve around a kid from an underdeveloped country with poor documentation claiming he is a couple years younger than he is to wallop younger kids on the field of play. A prime example of this “normal” type of scandal is the Dominican native Danny Almonte scandal in the Little League World Series in 2001. The rules only allowed for kids up to the age of 12 to play but questions were raised when the mustached Almonte, playing for a team from the Bronx (the team was duped by Almonte's father and was blameless), threw the first perfect game in World Series history since 1957 while hurling heaters that Nuke Laloosh would be proud of. Weeks later it was revealed that he was actually 27 (kidding, he was 14). His team was stripped of its title.

Team Jailbait strikes gold.

Lady sports are different. Because of the way women's bodies develop, older isn't necessarily better. In gymnastics, for instance, gigantic fun bags would be a severe impediment to flipping around like a pixie between two bars. While testosterone in men allows for the development of copious amounts of muscle as men approach 18-20 years old, women do not have that physiological trait. Women approaching 20 years old do develop some added muscle but not enough to compensate for child-bearing hips and afore-mentioned gazungas. The ideal age for women gymnasts is ~13-17 years old. The International Olympic Committee has set the minimum age for women gymnasts at 16.

Enter China's women's gymnastics Olympic team. Looking more like extras from the Disney World ride “It's a Small World” than Olympians, whispers began immediately that at least three of the competitors are younger than 16, perhaps as young as 14. China provided passports showing them as having been born in 1992, making them 16. However, as late as two years ago, the three had their birth years listed as 1993 and 1994 on China's General Administration of Sport website (presumably before the Chinese decided that the three would be on the Olympic team). In my line of work, we call that a Smoking Gun.

Asked how she will celebrate her Gold Medal, suspected underage Chinese gymnast Deng Linlin shrugged, “Nothing crazy. Probably just watch some Spongebob and wait for the Tooth Fairy.”

Alright, so with seemingly damning evidence all the IOC has to do is grow a pair, strip the Chinese of their medal and ban the offenders from future international competition, right? Bueller? Bueller?? There is no doubt that if the U.S., France, or some other Western country pulled this crap that is exactly what the IOC would do. So why haven't they even shown a willingness to investigate the matter? All officials have simply stated (paraphrase), “It's not the IOC's job to check the ages of all 10,000 Olympians.” What? Then whose job is it?

The real reason the IOC will do nothing is fear. Fear of “offending” the Chinese hosts. Fear that any action will cause an unpredictable response by the Chinese government such as boycotting the rest of the games or turning off power to the Bird's Nest. The fact is, if the U.S. was caught cheating, everyone would know that the U.S. might protest the punishment but they wouldn't pack up their toys like petulant little brats and go home ruining the game for everyone else so there would be no fear to mete out a deserved penalty. However with the repressive Chinese regime, the World has decided on appeasement as a course of action to avoid what essentially amounts to a temper tantrum. This situation is an allegory of “modern” world politics—those countries that are responsible global citizens receive the harshest rebukes, admonitions and punishments for even accidental violations while the worst offenders walk because they are irrational nut cases that no one wants to deal with.

Rewarding this type of anti-social behavior is a grave mistake that could embolden China and other “bad” regimes such as North Korea and Iran as they believe that the International Community is too pussified to back up their own rules and regulations. The World, faced with indisputable evidence of cheating, proved to be Neville Chamberlainesque Chumps.

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Genius Mr. T Snickers Commercial Banned by Cowardly Candy Company

August 1, 2008, by Reckless Bastard

Snickers has had some good commercials over the years. Remember the one where the two guys were sharing a Snickers from each end like in 'The Lady and the Tramp'? And more recently, Snickers hired a resurgent Mr. T to mock a speed walker and compel him to run “like a real man” by firing a barrage of Snickers bars at him through a Gatling gun (rumor is that Jesse Ventura was already booked). Anyway, check out the video here:

What I see is a harmless ad poking fun of metrosexuals and other idiots who have lost their, well, proverbial nuts. What did the Human Rights Committee see? An offensive attack on homosexuality that supported "the notion that the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community was a group of second-class citizens." Homosaywhat??

If the HRC didn't have their panties in a knot searching for “homophobia” everywhere perhaps they would realize that if anyone is stereotyping gays, it's them. I never would've made any gay connection to this ad at all without the HRC highlighting it with the Outrage Spotlight. It's a funny way to combat effeminate gay stereotypes by grabbing a bullhorn every time an effeminate character appears in an ad in a negative light. It gives the impression that when gays see a man acting less than manly they say, “Holy shit! That's us!” If the shoe fits, ladies.

So of course, The Mars Candy Company bent over backwards to the gay lobby (sorry, I couldn't resist) and caved in, banning the ad. Kind of ironic that Snickers' current ad campaign urges consumers to “get some nuts” when they have proven that they have none at all.

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Stop Banning Hot Women from Going Out Half Naked – Please!!!!!

August 16, 2008, by Optimous Douche

Americans are perpetually told by the European community how little we have traveled from our puritanical foundation. While Euro-humor has always been edgier and the porn a bit more fetish fantastic, I still thought that the inalienable rights guaranteed by our Constitution set us one step ahead of countries that have established their laws based on documents that place the power in the hands of one individual. How fucking wrong I was.

Kimberly Clem of Bumfuck, Kentucky is the latest victim of the American prude police. This poor waif who is struggling through college was escorted out of a Kentucky mall (I was shocked that they have malls in Kentucky that sold something other than horse feed) for baring a little too much leg. Could you see her pussy? No, believe me I looked – at length. Were her funbags flopping as she rode the escalator? No, much to my dismay. Quite simply, someone felt her clothes were inappropriate.

Dear Kimberly, Please move from the Bible Belt to Philly immediately. Signed, TheyBannedMe.com. (Photo from Foxnews.com)

It’s fine if you want to champion your own moral crusades; as an American, it’s your right. But who is to say how much leg is too much? I certainly don’t want a fucking $30,000-a-year mall manager in Nowhere, America setting the legal precedents for skin exposure across this great land. While I don’t agree with any level of censorship, my suburban upbringing can relate on a small scale to keeping reproductive organs under cover while out and about. But as I stated earlier, this was not the case.

Some will remember a similar story about Kyla Ebbert who was dismissed from a Southwest flight a year ago for a similar heightened hemline. Now, while Kyla may have the face of a pre-op transvestite, her body is as they say – niiiice. She is not so fat that her hooch would hang out from her mini; all the passengers were getting was a mild panty peek when she would stand up. Where in any of our laws is it mandated that “thou shall not show panties”?

Kyle Kyla Ebbert. Note to Today Show: next time you have a chick on who was banned for dressing like a turbo slut, make sure the pic you attach to the article is not of her manish face, ok? (Photo from msnbc.com)

To the entire moral majority, if you must continue this crusade, could you please start with the fat bitches before you go after the hot chicks that want to walk around half-naked? On any given day I can walk outside and see some “tons o’ fun” sausage skinned into a top that looks like it is experiencing physical agony trying to hold in the pounds of flesh. As their bellies flounce and bounce and they revel in there supposed rubenesque hotness, all I have to say is: we are no longer in the middle ages. Go outside, work off a metric ton, and get a slight tan before the rest of us have to look at you. Or if some Americans have their way your fat asses will soon be in the same situation as the hot hot nubile young things that should be showing what God gave them.

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Death Attempts on TBM Members!

August 14, 2008, by decan lude

In September, 2000, my older sister was strangled to death by her ex-boyfriend, Benjamin Mills. At the time, there were two warrants issued for his arrest, with the newer being 6 days old. In a jurisdiction such as this, warrants concerning repeat offenders and/or violent crimes were to be served within 48 hours. Currently, Benjy is doing a life sentence and will be up for parole in 2020. My family pursued the matter, finding fault in the status quo of the local police force. Specifically, an average of 12 murders a month. Initially, local police blamed the county, and vice versa, until the two governments merged a few years back.

My family had formed a group, organizing demonstrations and rallies to spread awareness of domestic violence issues. Working with two separate reporters, we uncovered the city's backlog of over 70,000(!) unserved warrants, some going back almost 30 years. The city's response was to simply purge the system. To date, the LouEVIL metro government has yet to enact any literate tracking system for warrants, nor are they prioritized in anyway.

On two separate occasions our case was thrown out of court, and each time louEVIL's ruling was overturned by a court of appeals in Cincinnati. We had been very vocal about our case and exactly where the flaws in the system were; and as such garnered enmity from a number of persons of local power. Let me just say that local cops know my name.

Because of this, over the years I have suffered illegal evictions, illegal job terminations, and public critique. All unwarranted.

I am the only one left now of my immediate family. I have dropped litigation in favor of the Turk182 route.

This is the beginning of the attempts on my life.

to be continued...

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Accused War Criminal Banned from Reading Statement in his Own Defense at Trial

August 1, 2008, by Reckless Bastard

Radovan Karadzic is a bad dude. As former head honcho of the Bosnian Serb armed forces, he is accused of ordering the deaths of over 7500 Muslim civilians. He threw many more in concentration camps after burning down their villages. Read his Wikipedia page if you want to know more. The only good thing on his resume is that once he ordered some UN personnel to be taken hostage (he eventually let them go so I can joke about it).

So we all know what happened next. Oh, we don't? Well the Hague brought him up on war crimes charges and hunted him for years, eventually finding him hiding in Belgrade posing as a “doctor of alternative medicine” whatever the fuck this is. Apparently, he attended football matches (“stupid handless game” to us Americans) during his time on the run and generally lived a normal life. Well his luck ran out recently and he was arrested on July 21, 2008.

Karadzic's last request as a free man was to be allowed to play just one more gig with his Grateful Dead cover band.

At the indictment at the Hague, the court banned Karadzic from reading an opening statement, which is utter bullshit. Justice requires transparency. It's not like it's going to be hard to convict this freak, banning him from giving a statement does nothing except to rile up the conspiracy theorists and give the impression that the Hague is a Kangaroo Court (which it is, imho).

Anyway, now the statement has been released and it's basically a paranoid screed that accuses the US of offering him freedom in exchange for “disappearing” and then trying to have him whacked afterward. Former Secretary of State Tony Soprano had no comment. So in the end, the question remains: if he's such an unlikeable lying douchebag, why not let him speak and torpedo his own case instead of giving ammo to support claims of a cover up? There is no reason except that world courts suck fat dog cock and any nation that turns over any of its soverignity to a group of other nations is derelict in its duty to its citizens.

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